I Hate Myself For Loving You
by SweetyBird282
Summary: Kendall has the apartment to himself, and decides to use this as the golden opertunity it is to vent his feelings.
1. Chapter 1

I staggered about the apartment, dancing like a fool, blasting old rock songs, knowing I had the apartment to myself.

Mom and Katie were out somewhere. To be honest I hadn't really paid much attention to details beside 'we will be gone for two days'. Carlos was out on a date, and I believe James and Logan had headed off to some party. Truthfully I didn't care exactly what they were doing either. Don't get me wrong, I love the guys and my family, but no matter how much you love somebody you need a break from them some times.

I was throwing a one-man party. Neighbors would probably complain, but I really didn't care. I needed an outlet for all my bottled up feelings, and if jamming out to old rock songs and downing alcohol for the life of me was how to do so, then so be it.

_I think of you every night and day_

_You took my heart, then you took my pride away_

"I hate myself for loving you!" I shouted angrily over the loud music, drink in hand. The alcohol was starting to get to my head, I could tell.

"Can't break free from the things that you do

I wanna walk but I run back to you, that's why

I hate myself for loving you," I sang loudly, anger flooding my voice.

I stumbled through clumsy dance moves and staggered into the couch, crash-landing on the soft pillows, chuckling lightly to myself, although there was really nothing funny about the whole situation.

A flash of brown hair and mahogany eyes so deep one could practically drown in them flashed brightly in my mind. Willing the images and dirty fantasies out of my brain, preferably removing the whole problem in the process, I downed about a third of the bottle holding some sort of liquid. It was clear and had a burning taste of alcohol to it, so if I really thought about it, I would probably say it was vodka. I hadn't really cared what it was (it wasn't like I particularly liked the taste of alcohol anyways) all I cared about was the 69-percentage mark at the bottom of the label glued onto the glass bottle.

I laughed bitterly, feeling the pain and heartache flooding my body as if it was the alcohol-filled blood coursing through my veins. Laying still on the couch, merely savoring the feeling of the soft cushions drawing out part of the tension in my muscles – a feeling that was heavenly altogether – I felt a warm, salty tear slide down my cheek. Then another one fell. And another one. And soon I was full out crying, silently sobbing.

In that very moment I was glad beyond what words could express that no one was home to see me like this. Full-out sobbing and wallowing in self pity and pain. But above anything, I was glad I could vent my feelings. Even if it was by getting drunk and singing along to a song at such a volume our neighbors would probably complain and my voice would be gone the next day- I let my feelings out nonetheless – and really, that was all that mattered. Wiping away the tears blurring my vision, I moved to stand up, staggering a little as a side effect to the vast amount of alcohol I had already consumed rather quickly. I grinned to myself. I wanted to get drunk enough to forget about my heartache, even if it was only for a night. It was not exactly a healthy thing to do – with the speed at which I was drinking and the high alcohol percentage, I could very well end up suffering from alcohol poisoning. _Logan would disapprove_, I thought to myself, feeling my smile drop.

Logan – the sole reason of my current miserable state of mind.

The boy who had for so many yeas been my closest friend was now the cause of an almost unbearable pain.

I should have seen it coming though, when I realized I would always put Hortense, now turned Logan, above anything or anyone.

When my father had passed and he had been there, draping an arm gently across my shoulders and offering me a supportive smile, I couldn't cry anymore. Not because I was too sad, or because I desperately needed to stay strong for my family now that I officially was the man of the house (like everybody believed it to be), but because I no longer was sad. At all.

A simple smile from Hortense was enough to right every problem in my world, chase away all demons and light up the darkness as to shield me from its monsters. Even then, at a bleak age of eleven, Hortense held more power over me than any other person had ever had. Yes, I still referred to the young Logan as Hortense. While he might have officially started using his middle name as opposed to his first name, after a strong suggestion (or rather a command) by Brooke Diamond at the age of fourteen, it still felt natural to use his old name when we had used it in the past.

Even now, a bright smile from Logan aimed purely at me would make me smile and forget about my problems, no matter what.

And if I was being completely honest with myself, I couldn't blame Logan for this; the whole one-man party scene I had going on, I mean – no matter how much I wanted to.

It wasn't his fault that he was so amazing.

It wasn't his fault that he more sexual appeal than what was healthy for all hormone-driven teens, such as myself.

But above all, it wasn't his fault that I was gay and just happened to fall in love with him.

But, knowing all of that didn't lessen my desire to burn, or smash, every picture of him scattered about the vacant apartment, to rid myself of all feelings towards the incredibly perfect brunette, even if I had to rip out my own heart – figuratively – to do so. I resisted that urge, though. Not only would both my mom and Logan be furious, but I would also be forced to out myself. My friends and family already knew I was gay, but _nobody_ knew just _who_ I was in love with.

All of that knowledge also did very little to lessen the pain at knowing the object of my affection would never reciprocate my feelings. Not only was he as straight as a guy can be, but he was in a relationship with Camille. Though it was an on-and-off affair, it was a relationship nonetheless. And as if that wasn't enough, Logan was – and have always been – a cautious person, one who wouldn't take a risk if too much was at stake, like our friendship. So, even if there were a tiny chance that he felt just a fraction of the love I did for him, I would be forever stuck in the friend zone.

Logan had a type too, and let's just say it was far from tall, blonde haired, green eyed guys.

So yes, having some sort of a romantic relationship with the Adonis of a roommate I had, was about as likely as seeing fire breathing dragons in the streets of L.A.

That was why I hated myself for loving him; because it caused me more pain than what I felt like I could handle, because he would never love me the same way, but most of all because I would never be able to move on from his sheer perfection. I would never ever find someone as good and thoroughly amazing as Logan.

If I had told Logan all of this, leaving out his name of course, he would have just told me that 'there are lots of fish in the water, and there is definitely another guy out there for you' and all that crap. Bullshit. There was just no way there was somebody better than him out there. No one could possibly over stride _his_ perfection. It was humanly impossible.

Song after song blared from the expensive speaker system, providing sound worthy of a small concert, each song more heart breaking and pained than the other. All of which were from my Logan playlist. Of course I hadn't actually named it "_Logan_", that would be way too obvious, so I rather named it "_Adonis_". Cryptic and seemingly random.

As the last beat vibrated off of the speakers I had long since finished the bottle of what definitely was vodka, and decided it was time to go to bed. A quick glance at the clock on the DVD player agreed with me. If I read correctly, which there was a decent chance I didn't, it was already 2:47 a.m.

Carlos would probably not be back at all, and I didn't really expect James and Logan to be back before closer to four. Not bothering to brush my teeth or strip out of my clothes, I crashed on my bed. After tossing and turning for what was probably close to half an hour, I finally ridded my mind of all thoughts of my roommate and fell asleep, a half full bottle of whiskey in hand.

* * *

**This thing has been a work in progress for a while now, though I basically wrote the entire thing yesterday. it was just a random idea that hit me while listening to I Hate Myself For Loving You by Joan Jette and The Blackhearts, hence the title. **

**It is also slightly inspired by tekken4life's writing, I just love it, and Silverflare07's story Summer Days (you should really check out both).**

**Also, I haven't really decided if this should be a one-sided Kogan or not, though I'm leaning slightly more towards a one-sided, I also worked out what I think is a cute ending to the story if it isn't one-sided. So some opinions on that (or the story in general) would be nice :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm sorry this took so long! Honestley, I've forgotten about the stories I need to update. Well, hopefully you'll like this chapter though :) **

* * *

James and I stumbled into the dead-silent apartment at three a.m. We were laughing at a comment James made on the way up. I probably wouldn't have found it funny if I wasn't already tipsy. The laughter was abruptly stopped as I spotted an empty bottle of vodka on the kitchen counter and Kendall's iPod plugged up to the speaker system. James didn't seem to take notice though, and headed up to his bedroom. I walked over to where his iPod was, seeing it was set to a playlist called "Adonis". He's in love, I thought cheerfully, feeling happy for my friend. That was until I checked the songs in it. I Hate Myself For Loving You. What Can I Say by Dead By April. This Song Is About You by Olly Murs. Pour Me by Hollywood Undead... Angst didn't even begin to describe the playlist, and knowing my best friend was in that kind of pain hurt me too.

I plugged out the iPod and brought it up to our room, only to find Kendall passed out on his bed, fully clothed with a tear-streaked face and a broken expression, even in his sleep. He was laying flat out on his back, limbs going in every which direction and one arm falling over the edge of the bed. The arm partially hidden from my view clasped an half-full bottle of whiskey. Looking at the blonde, so obviously heart broken, drove me crazy. He was the strong leader of the group. He never cried, not even when his father passed. Any other eleven year old would have, but he didn't. He stayed strong, like the man of the house was expected to do. That was always something I admired about him.

Whoever this "Adonis" was, he wasn't good enough for Kendall for driving him into this. This mess of a broken man was not the Kendall I used to know. I would personally make sure he suffered for doing this to my best friend.

* * *

"You know the alcohol doesn't take away the pain, right?" He asked as I stirred from my slumber. "Yeah, I know," I said groggily, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. As I propped myself up on one elbow, my eyes till barley open, I saw Logan sat on his own bed, my iPod in one hand and a half-empty bottle of Jack in the other. "Wait, what are you talking about?" I asked confused, my mind still not fully functioning after invading dreamland.

"Adonis. Really, Kindle?" Logan said, ignoring my question. I froze. No! This wasn't supposed to happen. Logan wasn't supposed to know about my playlist and hence my feelings. No one was, really, but especially not Logan. "Look, whoever he is, he's not worthy of you. I mean, those songs aren't exactly cheerful. If he really makes you hate yourself, he's so not worth it. You can do so much better than him, Kindle," Logan said. I sighed heavily. I knew it. I just knew he was going to say something like that. "No, Logan you don't understand. I'm never going to find someone better than him. He's the epitome of prefect. I might hate myself for loving him, but only because I know he will never feel the same way about me."

Logan gave me a disbelieving look. "Kendall. No one's that perfect." Logan looked at me with pity and concern. I inwardly cringed. this was exactly what I had been trying to avoid. I didn't want his pity, I didn't want him to worry. I was fine keeping my feelings in the dark. Well, fine might be a bit of an overstatement. "Look, I know this," I gestured to the half full bottle of whiskey on the bedside table between our beds and myself, " doesn't take away the pain or fix the problem in any sort of way, but it helps me let loose enough to vent my feelings, even if it is to an empty apartment, and well, in the end that might help lessen the problem." Something like sorrow, empathy and hurt flashed within Logan's breathtaking eyes.

"That's what you have friends for, Kendall," Logan said sounding frustrated. "You're supposed to confine in your friends when you're hurting. Do you really not trust us enough to keep your feelings a secret if that's what you want? Do you really have that little faith in us - in me - as your friends?" This time Logan simply sounded hurt, as if he viewed me not confining in him as a personal offence, that he wasn't a good friend. And who knows, maybe he did? I suppose that's what I would have felt, had the roles been reversed.

"It's not that I don't trust you guys," I said weakly. "Then what is it?" Logan demanded, his voice rising just a bit louder than his usual soft and gentle tone, turning his voice into something harsh and nearly brutal. "It's complicated," I said. Logan blinked in surprise, suddenly raising from his seat, whiskey bottle and iPod suddenly forgotten. "It's complicated? That's your excuse? It's fucking complicated?" Now he was full-out shouting. "A lot of things on this planet are fucking complicated, Kendall, but that doesn't mean others won't understand!" Logan was furious, and honestly, he looked goddammned sexy when he was furious. Fighting away my hormone-driven thoughts, I spoke up again. "Look, I know it's probably not what you think I should do, this whole drinking and keeping things to myself thing, but it's not something I want to share. Hell, I didn't even want any of you to know about any of this!"

Logan glared at me. "You know," Logan paused, taking a deep breath, "you're being a pretty shitty right now. For the millionth time, this is stuff you're supposed to talk to people about. You're obviously in a fragile state, and I don't want to see you tumbling over the edge, Kendall. I've lost far enough people in my life already."

"Don't you dare push that psychology bullshit on me! You don't know half of the things going on inside my head. If you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"You're right. We wouldn't be having this conversation if you could just open up for once, and stop worrying about pushing your problems on to others, or what ever crappy reason you have made up in that alcohol induce brain of yours, and confine in your friends like a normal human being" Logan shouted furiously. "Believe it or not, everyone keep most things inside," I retorted, anger seeping through my voice and clouding the air that was already thick with tension. "Okay, now you're just quoting Nickelback songs."

"Fine!" I said frustrated, sucking in a deep, calming breath, "but it's not just as easy as going out there and finding a new guy. It doesn't work that way, Logan. " My voice was soft, yet audibly pained, making Logan's anger diminish completely from his face. "Do you honestly think I would throw a pity party if it was that easy?"

Logan looked almost stunned. "No. Yes. I-I don't know to think, Kendall. I've never ever seen you this broken, and it scares me. I just don't want you to be hurting and... I guess I just don't get how anyone can be so amazing, how anyone can be worth this," he said gesturing to my messy state. "Look, Logan," I sighed, "I appreciate the concerned best friend thing, but some things I just want to handle on my own. It has nothing to do with my friendship with either of you, or how much I trust you. It's just... complicated." _I just can't tell any of you guys, especially not you Logan, that I'm madly in love with you_, I thought grimly. "Just forget it, okay?" I asked him. "I'll get over it, I guess. Just... I don't know. Just give me time. Time heals all wounds, right?"

Logan fell silent, a storm of emotions blazing deep inside his eyes, and for a second he seemed almost as torn up inside as I was myself. Almost. "I guess," Logan reluctantly agreed. "I suppose I should leave you to tend to your hangover, then," Logan said softly, picking up the bottle of Jack he had left on his bed, and finally left the room. I knew it was Logan's way of saying 'screw you' as he slammed the door behind him, despite looking calm.

My mind was still spinning, both from the alcohol I consumed yesterday and from all my thoughts. I would never have Logan, I knew that, yet I couldn't help but to want him so desperately I was at the point of self destruction. And no matter how much it pained me, all I really wanted was still just for Logan to be happy - if he was happy, my own misery was not that much of an issue.

I reached out for my iPod where Logan had left it on my bedside table and popped in my earbuds, falling back down on my mattress, too worn out from my fight with Logan to really do anything but listen to my Adonis playlist. Maybe it wasn't the best way to deal with my heartbreak, the utter devastation. Listening to the one playlist fully dedicated to my love, my roommate, was not really helping me get over him.

_I try to be all that you need_

_Try not ever let you down_

_still I can see it in your eyes_

_Not good enough_

I felt a warm tear slide down my cheek. I had just been searching for a way to release my feelings to keep me from going insane.

_This time I believed that I really could change_

_I gave it all_

_This time I really have my everything._

_I guess I was wrong_

_I guess I was wrong_

Tear after tear fell from my eyes, each one tearing out a little piece of my heart with it as it exploded against the soft fabric of my pillow. I felt pathetic. This wasn't me, this wasn't how I handled things. I was not one to cry my hear out just because I wanted a guy I couldn't have.

_Oh, who am I kidding?_ I asked myself, feeling another set of silent tears push their way out of my eyes. I didn't even believe it myself. Logan was much more than just some guy, and being in love with your closest friend was not remotely easy in any sort of way.

_What can I say, What can I do_

_This is who I am and I am hurting you_

_What can I say, what can I do_

_No matter how strong my feelings are_

_I always end up hurting you_

_I always end up hurting you_

_I'm hurting you_

"No matter how strong my feelings are, I always end up hurting you," I whispered so softly my voice was barley even there, finally letting sleep embrace me.


	3. Chapter 3

**First of all I would like to thank all of you for your great reviews, I love to hear you're actually enjoying my story, and to all of you who followed and favorited :)**

**Secondly, and I don't know if I said this the last time I posted, I probably didn't, but I finally have a working computer I can call my own, so hopefully that means more writing. Although there is a very decent possibility I'll just be stuck on tumblr forever. **

**BUT, on the bright side I have the fourth chapter almost fully written out (it was actually done before this, shhhh) so it will probably be up relativley soon. As always, enjoy the latest addition to the story :)**

* * *

"What was that about?" Mrs. Knight asked as I trudged towards the kitchen, not even turning away from the stove to know it was me.

"Kendall is being stupid," I grumbled. That was enough to make her turn around with a look of concern etched upon her face.

"What's-" her sentence was cut short as she spotted the half empty bottle of whiskey I had in front of me. "Logan! I do not tolerate drinking while you are underage and living under my roof," Jen said strictly, sounding exactly like the authoritative mother she was.

"Yeah, you might wanna tell your son that. He drank an entire bottle of vodka before he started this yesterday," I said grimly, lifting the bottle off of the kitchen counter. "I took this with me out of our room, but I have no idea where it's actually supposed to be," I added.

"I'll take care of it," she said calmly, although I had lived with her long enough to tell that she was in fact furious, "would you mind making sure the bacon doesn't burn?"

I gave her a nod. "Where is Kendall now?" Jennifer asked.

"Upstairs in our room, probably sleeping off his hangover," I told her and watched her trudging off towards our room.

For a second there it was as if I could see the steam coming out of her ears, or a stormy cloud hanging over her head as if she somehow had suddenly become a cartoon character. Had it been under any other circumstances, I would have thought it funny, but I was in far too bad of a mood for that.

Why couldn't Kendall just talk to us, to me? I was supposed to be his best friend for God's sakes! We used to share everything with each other. I was the one he used to call in the middle of the night back in Minnesota when he couldn't sleep because of whatever problem he was having. I was the one he confided in when he first came out as gay. What happened to all of that? All those years of close friendship and years of sharing every little secret with each other before anyone else?

What could I possibly have done to loose his trust, to let him slip away from me like that?

A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I dragged a hand across my face. I shouldn't do this to myself, I knew that, somewhere deep down at the very core of my soul. Yet I couldn't help but to feel like I was being a bad friend if he couldn't even come to me with a guy problem. Sure, I wasn't exactly an expert at romantic relationships with guys, or in general for that matter, but at least I would do my best and I had the ability to think logically - I could give great advice.

I quickly dismissed the depressive thoughts, trying to force myself not to feel like a shitty friend, and returned my attention to the bacon frying in the pan. The sound of fat crackling in the pan cleared my head enough to make me realize that Kendall probably had a good reason for keeping this to himself. He might not be a genius, but he was smart nonetheless, and definitely smart enough to realize when he was on to the path if self destruction. He wouldn't do this to himself if it wasn't strictly necessary.

I hoped.

No, he definitely does, I thought as I pulled the pan off of the flame from the gas-fueled stove, hearing Mama Knight's angry voice shouting... Well, something. Frankly, I was relieved I couldn't hear her exact words, as I was sure it was far from pretty. She didn't get mad that often, but when she did, she was scary as hell. And Kendall was undoubtedly suffering right now.

"Do I smell bacon?" An eager Carlos asked, overly energetic for a morning as usual. "Yup," I said as I divided the bacon on to five plates, skipping James' as he was a strict permanent diet of no fast food or unhealthy food, which more often than not were the same thing. "Good morning, James," I said somewhat cheerfully, surprised that he was actually up before noon on a weekend, especially after a party, only to get a grumble in reply. "Why are you up?" Katie asked James suspiciously, munching on a crispy piece of bacon. She too seemed about as tired as James, though not quite as grumpy.

"Because someone decided to have a shouting match with their roommate," he said with a glare aimed at me. I would have cringed under his death glare, had I not been too stunned that he could actually talk in his state. I mean seriously, he hadn't even maniacally combed his hair to perfection yet or changed out of his pajamas - which really only were a pair of basketball shorts and a tank top, but pajamas nonetheless - or showered, which was something he always did before as much as stepping a foot outside of his bedroom door. "And then Mama Knight went all bloody murder on him," James said, leaving no doubt as to where he wanted to be right now - in his bed, buried deep underneath his warm duvet.

"Speaking of, what did he even do that was so bad?" Katie asked curiously, snatching up another piece of bacon from her brother's plate. I smacked her hand away. "Leave some for Kendall. Well, if he lives down that," I said gesturing towards my room. "He drank a full bottle of vodka and half a bottle of Jack last night," I informed them, all of them cringing in sympathy pain. They all knew how Mama Knight felt about drinking.

"It was nice knowing you, big brother," Katie said bowing hear head at her brother's plate of egg and bacon, as if it was a coffin at a funeral. James lightly smacked the back of her head. "He's not dead. Mama Knight may not let him out of the house until he's forty, or until she can't stand him any longer, but she wouldn't kill her only son. She's not a psycho," James said. I pointed towards James, still leaning my body weight on my other arm against the kitchen counter and nodding in agreement, as if to silently say he's right.

"Mm, I smell bacon," came Kendall's groggy voice (even if he had just had a yelling match with his mother and slept for not more than five minutes), effectively shutting us up. Mama Knight followed him, looking beyond pissed. A thick tension filled the air, making the whole situation a lot more awkward than it really had to be. We all remained silent and continued finishing up our breakfasts. The whole thing reminded me of the Battle Blast 5 incident, when we had that super awkward silent lunch.

As I finished my food, I got out of my seat and carried my empty plate over to the dishwasher, then headed for the front door. "Where do you think you're going?" Jennifer asked, her voice cold and brisk, my hand lingering on the door knob as if it had been frozen in place. She was pissed alright. "Uhh, down to the pool. Maybe hang with Camille for a while?" It was more of a question than a proper answer, but it wasn't like my plans were set in stone.

"Oh no you're not." There it was again, that voice, the one that sent chills down my spine and made the hair at the back of my neck stand up. "You are not leaving this apartment, Logan. Neither of you are in the next three weeks unless it is to go to school, or to work," she said looking directly at each of my band mates in turn. "What!" I cried, hearing the other boys around me groan and complain how three weeks seemed a little uncalled for, "what have I done? I'm not the one who drank an entire bottle of vodka, then washing it down half a bottle of whiskey!" Kendall shot me a death glare, making me inwardly cringe.

"No, but you were the one going to a party, not only disobeying your curfew but also illegally drinking," Jennifer said harshly. "And James accompanied you to that party." I was stunned. How did she know that?

"Wait, you weren't supposed to be home until tomorrow. Why are you here?" I wondered.

"Well, because this guy," she said, thumbing towards Carlos, "got himself stuck in custody for speeding last night, going 95 in a 30 zone." I turned to Carlos in shock. What had he been thinking? He could have gotten himself killed, wrecked the car, killed Stephanie - if she was with him, which I assumed she was. "I trusted you boys to be the responsible adults you so frantically claim to be, and left you alone for one weekend, one weekend, and you can't even obey the few simple rules I gave you?" Jennifer sounded almost hurt, betrayed, but above all disappointed. "If this ever happens again, if I find you drinking, or speeding, or otherwise breaking the law, I will not hesitate to inform your precarious employers of it, and I assure you whatever punishment they will provide you will be a hell of a lot worse than this."

They didn't all need to be geniuses to hear the truth behind her words. So, without further ado, they all made a mental note not to break anymore rules in fear of what Gustavo might do. Putting them on the first flight back home to Minnesota actually didn't strike them as worst case scenario. Especially not with Griffin on board.

* * *

As it turned out, being grounded meant no TV, no computers or internet use, no magazines, no videogames, no movies, not even any access to music! Kendall was a music addict, his mom knew that - which, if he really thought about it might just be the very reason it was on the blacklist. Kendall was one of those people who couldn't fully function without music, much like he couldn't function properly without enough sleep. And, unbeknown to his friends and the rest of the world, Kendall used music to deal with his otherwise powerful emotions. And without it he became a nightmare to be around. Luckily though, both for him and the other inhabitants of 2J, they were musicians and even though it was their own music and not really what Kendall would have wanted in order to restrain his emotions, it was music none the less and it soothed his overactive mind just enough to make him bearable to be around.

The only thing the four boys had to entertain themselves with where books, newspapers, board games, Swirly and that dome hokey game they had gotten installed. And each other of course. But only a week in, even Carlos was tired of Swirly.

"There has got to be something to do," Carlos groaned, his whole body buried in the bright orange couch and his head hanging over the top of it, his chin facing the ceiling. "That right there is the epitome of bored," Logan muttered almost mockingly, although he was merely stating the obvious. "Oh yeah? Like you're so much better Mr. _I'm gonna become a doctor so I'll just read every stupid medical text book on the planet_!" An obviously angry Latino retorted. "Okay, that is not true! There are a lot more books out there I haven't read yet," Logan shouted back. "Okayy... I'm gonna go to my room," Kendall said knowing full well that neither boy would really hear him, but figured it was best to escape before the really messy fight broke loose.

The former hockey captain sighed heavily as he slumped down on his bed, the sound of fighting muffled to a bearable level by the closed door. Now would be a really good time to escape to the chilled air of the hockey rink, or listen to some music, to drown out his thoughts and frustration. But he couldn't do either of those things for another two weeks. How on earth was he supposed to live through that?

He already had so many feelings bottled up he didn't know what to do with himself. Being around Logan was unbearable, he seemed to look even more adorable when Kendall was bored and Kendall could barley fight the urge to kiss those light pink, soft and velvety looking lips of the genius. Or jump his bones. Which ever came first.

But not being around Logan was painful too, after all, the genius had been his best friend for years before he developed feelings for the brunette - or at least became aware of his feelings for Logan. Being with Logan in any sort of way was really all the blonde knew anymore.

So, feeling at a loss as to what to do with himself and his feelings flying all over the place, Kendall fished out one of the countless books stuffed into the shelf in his shared bedroom, the one that looked like it had the least resemblance to any of his feelings, yet was at leas a bit interesting. He began reading, and before Kendall really knew what was happening he had lowered himself into a world of betrayal, hurt, anger and loss. Vampires and magic of so many sorts, yet set in a world so close to his own, he just couldn't put the book down for the life of him.

"Hey Kendall, it's dinner ti- is that a book?" Logan asked completely stunned as he entered their shared room. "Duh. You of all people should be able to recognize a book," Kendall muttered, not once tearing his eyes from the page. "Bu-but why are you reading a book?" Logan asked. "Offensive," Kendall huffed, turning the page. "And I was bored. "

"Well are you coming to dinner or not?"

"Just a second, I'm just gonna finish this chapter first," Kendall muttered, silently wondering how long he had been laying on his bed buried deep within the fictive world of his book. Logan was so shocked he didn't know what else to do but to leave the blonde to his reading. He was well over halfway through the book already, and if Logan was being completely honest with himself he was a little impressed and proud of the blonde.

"What's up with you? You look like you've seen a ghost," James asked teasingly, effectively pulling the resident genius from the depths of his own mind.

"And where's Kendall?" Mama Knight asked. "In our room. . . reading"

Carlos spewed out the water he had just sipped up all over the table, James, Katie and Jen's mouths all fell ajar in complete shock. "H-he what?" Jennifer asked, not fully being able to recall the last time her son voluntarily picked up a book. "He's reading," Logan repeated despite know she had heard him the first time around, "and he's actually well over halfway done with the book." James blinked twice in shock, "wow, he must have been reeeeally bored."

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with reading!" Logan exclaimed. "Not what I was saying," James said, moving his hands up to rest at the level of his stomach in surrender, "but come on, how often do we find Kendall reading, huh? Can you even remember the last time he voluntarily picked up a book?"

Mama Knight, Katie, Carlos and Logan all shook their heads. "Right," James said, no need to add the silent 'my point exactly' they all knew was laced into his tone.

"Okay, time for dinner then," Kendall said cheerfully as he finally joined the others in the diningroom. "What's up?" Kendall questioned, eyebrows kniting together in confusion and wonder at the shocked atmmosphere still hanging heavy in the room. "Oh, nothing," his mom said innocentley, seeming to snap them all back to planet earth and continue on like they normally would.

They all figured everything would be back to normal, Kendall reading a book wasn't _really_ that big of a deal. After all, reading was a good thing.

But everything didn't fully go back to normal. Although James seemed to be the only one noticing that. Kendall would sit on the other side of the couch, as far away from Logan as it would alow without being too obvious. He would find a subtle excuse to leave the room once girls became a topic of conversation, but only when Logan contributed to the conversation. Kendall would otherwise nod along offering a few comments where he found it appropriate, and again, James seemed to be the only one to notice the blonde's complete lack of interest.

If James was being honest, though, he was only noticing all of this because he was watching Kendall intently after the whole reading thing. The signs were so little and looked almost natural, that the pretty boy couldn't help but to wonder how long this had been going on. It really didn't look like something he had just started – the blonde was far too skilled for that. _And they do say practice makes perfect_, James thought. _He's acting like he's jealous_. James of all would know, after all he was the self-proclaimed 'Love doctor of Love'.

Then a thought struck him. Kendall only had that slightly pained look in his eyes – the one where his face might be showing a bright smile, but never quite reaching his slightly saddened eyes – and left the room when Logan and Camille's on and off relationship became a topic, which clearly suggested the blonde would have to be interested in Camille.

Except he clearly had no interest in their conversations about girls, even when it was pointed out that Lucy was clearly into him, so that meant –

_He's in love with Logan_, James thought, almost letting the thought slip past his lips.

* * *

Another half week passed with no change in the blonde's demeanor. Well, besides possibly growing slightly more short-tempered and agitated.

Carlos and Logan seemed to notice this too – even Mama Knight and Katie did, which explained their constant absence – keeping all inhabitants of 2J on the tip of their toes, the edge of their seats, on pins and needles. Just one of those phrases alone wasn't nearly enough to describe the tension flooding the apartment as they all practically waited for the explosion that was sure to come with just one wrong word or move.

Yet, James couldn't help but to corner the blonde as he escaped the confines of the recording booth for a bathroom break. James swiftly excused himself, saying he too needed one, which, when it came down to it, he really did.

"What's up with you, man?" James wondered, after he made sure they were alone, his voice raised to a shout. "Are you like in love with him or something?" The pretty boy of the band was clearly annoyed. "Logan," he added as the blonde's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "No, of course not," Kendall replied, the lie rolling off his tongue as if it was completely natural – as if it was actually true. James still didn't seem to buy it, though, as he spat his next words. "You sure? Cause you've sure been acting like you do."

"I am not in love with him, James," Kendall said, punctuating each word as if his friend had all of a sudden turned into a disobedient toddler. "Fine, fine," James said throwing his hands up in surrender. He had learned by now not to argue with the tall blonde. Truthfully, James was a little scared of Kendall when he was like this, ready to snap at any minute. Blame it on wanting to protect 'The Face' as he might, in all honesty James just wanted to avoid conflict with his best friend.

Leaving the bathroom once he was done, James could hardly wait until those three weeks were up. Surely that would make things better.

James then made a mental note to try and stray from the subject of Logan and Camille as best he could. Kendall could deny it all he wanted, but there were definitely some feelings for the young genius in that boy.

* * *

**I'm sorry this is somewhat short (or maybe that's just me) but there will be somethings to look forward to for the next chapter. And reviews would be greatly appreachiated, it keeps me motivated in fact.**

**Even if you hated it, please review?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Woo! Each chapter just keeps on getting longer! I don't think the next, and probably last, will be though, but we'll see :)**

**A major THANK YOU to everyone who has reviewed and followed and favorited this and me as an author, it really means a lot to me to see so many of you enjoying it :)**

**On a sad note though, I think this might get taken down cause aparently I'm breaking the site's rules by having copyrighted lyrics in my story, so yeahh... But it'll still be on tumblr though if that should happen :)**

* * *

The three weeks they had been grounded for went by agonizingly slow. They couldn't play videogames, watch tv or even leave the apartment other than to go to work and school, and even then they could hardly socialize with anyone but their band mates. And well, three weeks with three people around no matter where you went, besides the bathroom, was torture even if they were your best friends. But it was probably worst for Kendall. Being so close to Logan all the time was killing him. Logan was constantly talking about Camille or had his nose buried in some book. Kendall felt like he never really had Logan's attention anymore, which might be just as good because Logan would surely notice the loving look in his eyes if the brunette could tear himself away from whatever he was doing.

It was the last day of their grounding, but Kendall just couldn't take it anymore. Carlos and James were going on his nerves and the pain from watching Logan being so happy with Camille - he had brought her to the studio and literally sang to her for fuck's sake! - was just tearing him apart. So, as their song ended he excused himself to the bathroom and ran off to the nearest coffe shop. He just _had_ to get out of there for a minute. He didn't really care if he would be punished again. At least then he would get to be on his own for a while.

And a cup of coffee didn't sound too bad at the moment. Kendall ordered his coffee and sat down at a table in the back of the cafe.

Once he was almost halfway done with his coffee, a guy came up to him. He was nearly as tall as himself, with the prettiest blue-green eyes he had ever seen, framed by long dark lashes and wavy chocolate brown hair. The boy was beautiful, his lips plump and soft looking, high cheek bones and a straight nose. He was dressed simply too in a pair of worn light blue jeans and a navy blue graphic tee.

"Mind if I sit down? You looked a little lonely," the guy said. Even his voice was beautiful. Kendall was about to swoon, all thoughts of Logan and the guys were gone from his mind.

"Sure, sit down. I could use some different company," Kendall said with a smile.

"Oh? I'm Josh, by the way," Josh said, reaching out a hand for Kendall. Kendall grabbed his hand, shaking it.

"I'm Kendall. And well, my three best friend's and I got into some trouble with my mom and she grounded us for three weeks, and while I love those guys, spending three weeks with only them and no videogames, TV, or even music is killing me."

"Wait, why were they with you while you we're grounded? Don't they have their own houses?" Josh wondered.

"Well, yeah, back in Minnesota. But once we moved out here my mom became their legal guardian too and they moved in with me, my mom and my sister Katie," Kendall explained. They kept on talking until Kendall finished his coffee. "I should probably get back to work," Kendall said, not really wanting to leave Josh.

"Ah, okay," Josh said knowingly as the two boys stood up, "I gotta ask, Kendall. Will you go out to dinner with me tomorrow?"

"Uhh, I'm still kinda grounded and my mom will probably reground me once she figures I ran away from work. But if not, I would love to." Kendall flashed him a bright smile as Josh laughed. They said their goodbyes and Kendall walked off towards the studio.

* * *

"That was a long bathroom break. Outside of the bathroom," Logan noted as Kendall finally returned.

"Where were you, man? We were worried," James asked concerned. The tall brunet figured he had ran away, after all watching the guy you love being all lovey-dovey couldn't be easy on a guy. But that didn't mean James hadn't been just as worried as the other guys and Camille.

"Uhh. I, uh, went to get some coffee. Sorry, but I just had to get away from you guys for a minute."

"Dude, you were gone for an hour!" Logan pointed out.

"I was-" Kendall began to protest looking at the clock on his phone. Surley he had been gone just over an hour, he hadn't realized he had been gone that long, "okay, maybe I was. But you could have called!"

"Seriously, who uses an hour to get coffee?" Camille wondered.

"Yeah, even I don't use that long if I'm being slow unless... Oh my God, you met a guy didn't you?" James asked. Kendall blushed.

"No," he said, stretching the word.

"You totally did! What's his name? How does he look? What's he like?" James asked energetically, Carlos and Camille standing by his side looking almost ad curious as James while Logan looked furious.

"He's really nice and kinda funny too. I don't know if I like him in a romantic way yet, but he's definitely hot and he's got a great style - you'd be proud, James," Kendall said.

"DOGS!" Gustavo shouted effectively shutting the boys up, "this is no place to discuss your love life. GET TO WORK!"

Not wanting to discuss with the man responsible for their paycheck after an hour long unintended break, they willingly obeyed, completing another four hours of harmonies before they were let out for the day.

* * *

As the four boys stepped inside their apartment they were greeted with an annoyed looking Mama Knight, stumping her foot repeatedly to an imaginary beat with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Kendall," she said as if she was warning him that he was in great trouble, giving the other guys an excuse to disappear.

"What's up, mom?" He asked innocently, giving her a warm smile.

"Can you explain to me why I just got a call from Gustavo telling me you disappeared from the studio for an hour on a bathroom break?" She demanded. Kendall sighed. He knew there was no getting out of this unless he told her the truth.

"I love him, mom," Kendall said in such a low, pained tone Jennifer's heart broke. It was a voice she had never before heard her son use.

"What do you mean, honey?" Jennifer asked, her voice soft and gentle, all of her previous fury and annoyance long forgotten. Her son was hurting, right now that was all that mattered.

"Can we not do this here?" Kendall asked, he didn't want anyone to overhear by accident.

"Of course, sweetie," she said and guided him to her own bedroom.

"Logan," Kendall said once the door was closed securely behind them, " I love him, mom, and it hurts so bad. Seeing him so happy with Camille and having to hear all the details every night and how amazing that date was... It's all slowly killing me. And it's just getting worse when I can't get away from him at all."

"Oh honey," Jennifer said sympathetically, wiping away a straying tear from her son's face. Seeing him so broken and hurt was plain awful to her, and she suddenly felt bad for punishing her son like that.

"And can you please not ground me again? I met this really nice guy today and he asked me out to dinner tomorrow, and I think I'm staring to like him. He might just get my mind away from Logan," Kendall all but begged. Jen was silent for a while, contemplating whether or not to cave to her son's wishes.

"Okay," she finally said, " but you are helping me with the dishes every day. And don't ever do something like this again, Kendall. But don't lead the kid on, tell him about Logan."

"I will. Thank you, mom," Kendall said wholeheartedly, giving his mom a tight hug. "I love you."

"Love you too, honey."

* * *

"Grounded again?" Logan asked the second Kendall returned to his room, where the brunette lay on his bead, nose buried in a book. Big surprise there.

"Nah," Kendall said cheerfully. Logan's head snapped up to look at the blonde in shock.

"You-you're not?"

"Nope," he said popping the P, "I'm stuck with community service, though - have to help my mom with the dishes for the next two weeks."

"Could be worse, though," Logan said.

"Definitely," Kendall agreed. "I could be stuck here with you for another two weeks."

"Oh, ha ha ha," Logan said sarcastically, glaring at the blonde through squinted eyes. Kendall stuck his tongue out at his best friend, enjoying how easy it was to be around him at the moment. Just them and no girls to worry about, no matter how much he actually liked Camille.

Kendall fished out his phone from his pocket and dialed Josh's number.

"Hey, it's Kendall," he said cheerfully into the phone as Josh picked up. "My mom was an angel and decided not to ground me, so I'm free tomorrow."

"That's great! I'll see you tomorrow, then?" Josh was just as cheerful as Kendall.

"Absolutely. I was also wondering if maybe you we're free today?"

"Uhm, yeah. I am actually. Did you wanna meet up or something?" Josh wondered.

"Yeah, I'd like to talk a bit more before tomorrow," Kendall said, not noticing how Logan had been watching his best friend throughout almost the entire conversation.

"Okay, sounds good," Josh said.

"Great. So uh, meet up at the coffee shop?"

"Sure. I'll be there in half an hour."

"I'll meet you there," Kendall said with a smile playing across his lips.

"What was that about?" Logan asked as Kendall hung up.

"I'm meeting up with that guy I met today."

"Adonis?"

"No! I met the guy today, I've known Adonis a hell of a lot longer. I was actually gonna tell him about Adonis before our date tomorrow," Kendall explained.

"Wait, are you going out with Adonis or the new guy tomorrow?" Logan asked sounding confused.

"The new guy, Josh."

"So you can tell a perfect stranger about Adonis, but not your closest friend?" Logan muttered bitterly.

"He's not a perfect stranger and it's different with Josh anyway."

"How is it any different?"

"You know what? I am done with this conversation. You're ruining my mood," Kendall said leaving his room before Logan had time for an indignant retort. Kendall hurried off to the coffee shop. It was only a fifteen minute walk from the Palm Woods, so he would be early. But then he would also have time to cheer up before Josh arrived.

Kendall ordered a cup of hot chocolate and sat down at his previous table, frustrated over how Logan could be acting so butt-hurt over the whole thing. Was it really that bad to want to keep some things to himself?

"You're looking thoughtful," Josh said from behind him, jerking him back to planet earth.

"Yeah, it's a long story actually and the reason I wanted to see you," Kendall said.

"Uh-oh. You're gonna cancel on me or something, aren't ya?"

"No. Well, that's up to you actually. It's just... Well, you remember I told you about how my best friends moved in with me right? Well, my very best friend shares a room with me, and I kinda fell in love with him over the years. The problem is he's straight, I know that, and it really hurts me to be around him being completely head over heels for him and knowing I can't ever have him... I just wanted you to know that before we actually go out. I'm not really using you as a rebound or anything, I actually do think you're a really nice and funny guy, not to mention really hot."

"Thanks for telling me, Kendall. And just so you know, he's an idiot for not wanting you, straight or not. You're like gorgeous and funny and honest and trustworthy, as far as I can tell at least," Josh said, making Kendall blush slightly. "You look really cute when you blush like that, you know?"

Kendall chuckled. "Thanks."

"But I'm not sure if a date would be the greatest idea right now. I think you need some time to cool off from being around… "

"Logan," Kendall offered.

"Right, from being around Logan too much before we go out. But call me once you have and we'll reschedule."

"Yeah, sure," Kendall said forcing a smile on to his face, something he had become the master of. Faking smiles and pretendig to be happy was really second nature to him now – almost as easy as breathing.

The two boys still kept on talking until it was dark and Kendall would have to get back inside.

"Sometimes I hate working, cause the company has put me on a curfew," Kendall complained. Once again, he did not want to leave Josh.

"Do you really have to obey it though?" Josh wondered.

"Since they're paying for our apartment and would have me on the first flight back to Minnesota if I screw up, yes. Yes, I do."

Josh laughed. "Well then, I guess you do. Don't want you to leave me alone out here," Josh said teasingly. "If you don't mind me asking, what exactly are you working as?"

"Uh, I'm probably breaking every rule now, but I'm a singer-songwriter," Kendall said.

"Oh, with your best buds, right?" Kendall nodded. "Anyone I've heard of?"

"Maybe, we're called Big Time Rush," Kendall said.

"That's you? Oh my God, I knew there was something familiar with your voice. I really like your music, especially that latest album of yours," Josh said excitedly and they said their goodbyes.

* * *

I wish I could take it away. The pain I felt. Well, while we're at it, why not just take away pain altogether? I mean, it would be as likely to wipe pain off of the face of the earth, as it was for my pain to evaporate. It just wasn't going to happen.

I knew I shouldn't be that negative, but I couldn't help it. Sure, Josh had said we would reschedule our date once I just got some distance from my best friend, but let's face it, there's only so much space you can get from your roommate.

I sighed under my breath as I slumped down in one of the chairs sprawled out around the infamous Palm Woods pool, my darkest sunglasses in place. I knew I shouldn't look, that I should avert my gaze elsewhere, or better yet, completley avoid the pool, but that would be too suspicious and truth be told I couldn't take my eyes of of him. His soft brown locks catching the golden rays of the sun, painting his hair various shades of the most glorious brown imaginable, the sunlight draping him in its golden glory. His skin was glowing and his eyes, oh those eyes, shaded a heart-melting mahogany, barley visible behind the tan glass of his aviator shades.

The sheer beauty of my best friend and roommate was too much for me. It physically hurt me just to look at him. How could such beauty be the wrapper of a personality so great, so beautiful? It just wasn't fair.

The worst thing is that he probably didn't even realize how irresistable he looked like that. So peaceful and calm where he lay soaking up the the golden sunlight. Or the way his face lit up when Camille aproached him. As much as it hurt to know that she was the cause of that joy, he looked so ridiculously good I really had no way to describe how it made me feel.

I swallowed trying hard not to let myself fall apart at the scene playing out before me. Logan swiftly sat up, geeting his girlfriend with what had to be a gentle, loving kiss. How they would laugh together and Camille rested her head on his shoulder, nuzzeling her nose into his neck.

Why couldn't I have what Camille does?

My mind becoming a reeling mess, I finally stood whispering that I needed to get myself some new friends. I couldn't just keep on escaping whenever Logan was around and escape into the solitude of our apartment. With a final glance at the happy couple, I left as their lips collided, tearing out another part of my shattered heart.

* * *

Camille looked away from her boyfriend just in time to see a gloomy looking Kendall leave the pool. Her brows scrunched together in confusion. He had been acting a little odd the past, what, month? She didn't really know how long exactly, but there was definitley something going on with Kendall.

"What's wrong, Cami?" Logan asked, pulling her from her thoughts.

"Oh, uh, I'm just a little worried about Kendall. He looked upset about something," the actress said, clearly worried.

"Oh, well, his date apparentley canceled on him yesterday, so he's probably just upset over that," Logan explained.

"Aw, poor Kendall. I don't get why anyone would cancel on him though, he's a great guy."

"Yeah, I know," Logan said, planting a chaste kiss on her lips. Camille wasn't fully satisfied with Logan's explination though, it seemed like something else was bothering him. He had been acting like that a lot longer than just a day.

Camille and Logan moved to the Palm Woods park, and stayed there until they were fully wrapped in the dark of the night. "I guess it's time to og back," Logan said relucantly, silently wishing they could see more than just a few stars scattered across the sky so they could have stayed longer, just gazing at the stars. He had always wanted to do that with a girl.

"Yeah, we should," Camille said, although she didn't really want to leave either. Logan reached out a hand to help her up, like the gentleman he was and laced their fingers together. "I had a great time today, Logan," Camille said once they got to the lobby, knowing they would have to part ways soon.

"So did I," Logan said went for a kiss just as Kendall entered the lobby. Logan didn't seem to notice the blonde, but Camille did.

She also noticed the completely devastated look in his eyes as he glanced at them. It was as if she could see his heart breaking just a little bit more as he finally managed to tear his eyes away from them and disappeared towards the elevator. That was when she knew for sure; Kendall was in love with Logan.

She had had her suspicions for a while now, but that look in the blonde's eyes explained it all. That explained so much. All the seemingly longing looks that could pass for wanting that kind of attention again after Jo, the pain he seemed to suffer from, the way his smile would falter just a little bit at every touch from the brunette.

Camille had been watching Kendall closely. Something had seems off the past few months, and now that she knew, now that she had it all figured out, she couldn't help but to wonder how she could have overlooked something so painfully obvious.

And while Camille had always had a passion for drama, this was not the kind she enjoyed. The love Kendall so obviously had for his best friend was nearly unfathomable to the actress. She also knew first hand that Logan was definitely not interested in boys, not even his best friend. Camille felt almost guilty for being the object of the brunette's affection when she didn't love him nearly as much as Kendall did. Yet she could have him, and he couldn't. Now how was that fair?

Camille felt as if she was suddenly standing in Kendall's place. She could hardly imagine the kind of pain he must be going through. Seeing his love so happy and carefree, undoubtedly having to hear all about it and having to live in such close proximity to him... It had to be nothing short of a living hell, and suddenly a kiss felt like such a filthy, dirty deed, so Camille pushed her boyfriend away.

"I gotta go, I need to talk to Kendall," she said and ran off before Logan as much as had a chance to say goodbye to his girlfriend.

Camille saw a glimpse of dark blonde hair disappear into the elevator, so she ran for the stairs trying to reach the second floor before the eleavtor.

"Why do you do this to yourself? How do you do it?" Camille asked as the blonde singer stepped out from the elevator, her chest still heaving a bit from running up the stairs.

"What are you talking about?" Kendall asked confused.

"Logan," Camille said, "You clearly feel something for him."

Realization dawned on the blonde's face, "because I love him. All I want is for him to be happy, so if that means putting on a smile and pretend it doesn't really kill me on the inside, that's what I'll do."

Camille stayed silent for a while. "It's a very noble thing of you to do, Kendall, but sometimes you have to put yourself first too. Just remember that," she said softly and wrapped him in a tight hug, before leaving him in his own misery.

As much as he hated to admit it, Camille was right - sometimes Kendall did have to put himself first, but not when it would ruin his best friend's happiness. So he had no choice but to give it time and hope that he would find a way to be genuinley happy again.

Camille didn't sleep well that night. She barley got a few hours of sleep when she wasn't tossing and turning like a madman. She felt so guilty for having Logan when Kendall clearly loved him with much more passion than she ever would. It felt as if she was snatching the love of his life from right underneath his nose, and Kendall was a good friend. Camille felt like a thouroughly shitty person. She might love Logan, but this whole thing - being with Logan - suddenly felt so incredibly wrong.

* * *

The inhabitants of 2J was starteled by a pounding at the door when they where gathered around the kitchen counter for breakfast the day after. No one were usually visiting at this time of day. Still, Logan hurried off to the door, revealing a tired-looking Camille. "Can I talk to you, Logan. In private?"

"Uh, sure," he said, thrown aback by the lack of the loving nickname she usually used. "What's up?"

"I can't do this anymore, Logan," she said.

"Do what anymore?" Logan hesitantly asked, although he had a pretty good idea of what exactly she was talkign about.

"This thing... Us."

"What? Why?" The look in Logan's eyes was heartbreaking. The confusion mixed in with the pain and insecurity was a look she whisked she could wipe away, but she couldn't. Camille knew that.

"I can't do this to him. It's just not right."

The look in Logan's eyes turned into that of anger and betrayal. "You've been cheating on me?" Logan asked incredulously, his voice raising to such a level Camille thanked the gods the halway was deserted.

"You need to stop it, Logan," Camille said, not really answering her boyfriend's - well, now ex-boyfriend (again) - question. There was a sort of sympathy and pain Logan hadn't heard in her voice before, one that didn't seem to be aimed at him, leaving him even more confused than he already was.

"What are you talking about?"

"He hasn't told you?"

Logan didn't reply, he only seemed to grow more and more confused by each second passing. Logan really didn't like feeling this lost.

"Well, it's not in my place to tell you… I'm sorry Logan, but I can't do this to him. We're over," Camille said feeling a tear slip down her cheek . "I'm so sorry, Logan," Camille said once again, pulling Logan in for a gentle kiss, trying her best to portray the love and sorrow she felt. No slap this time. It didn't feel right like this, the final goodbye, the final kiss. She wanted them to part on as good terms as possible. As ther lips parted and Camille pulled away, she felt her tears start to fall properly. Not just for herself and abandoning Logan like this, but for Kendall, that he had to og through all of this.

It was a stunned and confused Logan that returned to the apartment.

"What did she want?" James asked curiously.

"She broke up with me."

"Aw, I'm sorry man, but you'll probably get back together in no time," Carlos said, trying to be supportive.

"That's the thing. I think it was for good this time."

"I'm sorry man," James said sympathetically.

"Did she say why?" Kendall asked, scared that the voice in the back of his mind telling him that the whole thing was his fault was right.

"Yeah, she said 'I can't do this to him' but never gave me an explination as to who _he_ is." Logan sucked in a deep breath. "Whatever. I'm gonna go take an asprin or something, my head hurts," he said and headed for the direction of his and Kendall's shared room.

"Tell him," James almost hissed the second Logan was out of earsshot.

"What? No!"

"Dude, now's your chance. Do it now," James said as strictly as he could manage. He was no Mama Knight, but he definitly would have convinced anyone else to do as he said. Kendall though was really to stubborn to listen to James.

"I told you, I'm not in love with him."

"Yeah, and I'm not pretty or in love with all of Cuda's products," the pretty boy retorted.

"Fine. I'll go talk to him," Kendall said, finally caving in to James. Kendall stalked off towards his room, feeling nerves building up. He should do this, right? It was pretty much now or never and he had already broken up Lomille, or what ever the hell their couple name was, that meant James and Camille knew. Surely people would start to notice, and it was better if Logan heard it from him, right?

"I'm sorry," Kendall said the second he stepped inside their room.

"Don't worry 'bout it, man. I would have happened sooner or later. 'S not your fault," Logan said.

"Actually… It kinda is."

That caught the brunette's full attention, making Kendall more nervous than he had ever been before. "What exactly did she mean by she can't do this to you?"

"Ha, well you remeber Adonis, right?"

"Yeah, the guy you still refuse to talk to me about."

"I have my reasons for that, okay," Kendall said defencivley. "It fucking hurts seeing him in a relationship, seing him be happy with a girl, even if I love her like a sister. And well, that's what Camille was talking about. I didn't want to talk to you about him because that would just be weird, but now James and Camille have it figured out, so it's just a matter of time before anyone tells him, tells you. Logan,_ you're_ my Adonis, okay? That's why I didn't want to talk about it. I love you, and I can't do anything about it," Kendall ranted, feeling a tear slide down his cheek, just at the mention of all the pain he was going through by being in love with his best friend.

"You do realize Adonis is a greek god famed for his beauty, right?," Logan asked quietly.

"Yes, Logan, I know what I'm talking about. And seriously, you're one of the most goregous guys I have ever seen, and that personality of yours just make you so much more beautiful." Logan blushed a bit at the obvious compliments.

"I'm sorry for blowing up on you like that when you wouldn't talk to me about it. I just felt like you thought you couldn't trust me," Logan explained.

"I get it," Kendall said, offering his best friend a smile. "So, you're okay with it? You don't hate me?"

"I could never hate you, Kendall, you should know that by now," Logan said, "and it'll take some getting used to the thought of my best friend fantasising about me-"

"Hey! I never said I fantasised about you!" Kendall cried defensivley. His eyes were no longer the dead, sad orbs of green, they were full of life and sparkeled like an exclusive gem-stone.

"Maybe not, but come on, I'm irresistable," Logan said teasingly gesturing to his body. "Seriously, though I'll get used to it. And actually, it's really flattering that you think I'm that great."

"You were right about one thing though," Kendall said, not able to completley hold back the flirty tone to his voice. Logan raised an eyebrow questioningly. "You are pretty irresistible," Kendall said, raising a hand to let it rest on Logan's jaw as he leaned in and let their lips collide, even if it was just for this once, Keandall had to know what it was actually like to kiss the man of his dreams. And before either of them realized it, Logan was kissing back, their lips moving together in a sensual dance as the blonde's back collided with the matress.

* * *

**As always, reviews are greatly apreachiated. You might even help me with where this story will go from here cause at the moment I have several different ideas :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**So yeah, I'm alive. Yay! **

**I'm sorry I've been so off the grid the past few months, but I've been really busy with school, water polo (and now swimming) and a case of fanfic writer's block. Oh yaeh, and trying to write a novel for NANOWRIMO (national novel writing month) all of november, so yeah. I'm sorry.**

**But I'm back with a new chapter, which I personally think is better than the previous ones.**

**Thank you to all of you who have reviewed, favorited and followed in any way. It does mean a lot to me.**

**But anyway, enjoy :)**

* * *

Kendall pulled away from Logan's lips, a soft smile spread across his lips and for the first time in a while, it actually reached his eyes. His eyes sparkled with what Logan could only identify as love.

… And then he completely freaked out.

Backing up as if he had just woken up with blood on his hands, eyes blown wide, Logan muttered under his breath about being sorry, spitting out fragments of words and sentences not even Kendall could make sense out of.

Then Logan was gone, the sound of his feet thundering against the floor as he ran out of the apartment – if the slamming of the door was anything to go by. If Kendall thought things couldn't possibly have gotten worse than they were before… well, he had been wrong.

Knowing the taste of Logan's lips, seeing him turn that crooked smile of his in Kendall's direction, and tease him like nothing was wrong even knowing that Kendall liked him, had admittedly gotten Kendall's hopes up – had gotten him to think that Logan maybe wasn't as straight as Kendall had thought.

Kendall scratched at the skin above his heart, as if it would soothe the breath taking pain rippling through his body, through the vital muscle hidden beneath it, leaving him gasping for air, mouth hanging slightly ajar as if all he wanted was to scream until his lungs hurt and his voice got raspy and broken, but nothing came out.

* * *

Logan nearly ran to the Palm Woods roof top, meditation spot of his choice, his thoughts being the jumbled mess of broken thoughts and past insecurities and self-hatred welling up within him, like only a person broken beyond repair could ever be capable of. Maybe his scars and wounds weren't the same as Kendall's, not as recent and all, but that didn't mean they didn't affect Logan the same way they did Kendall. Or well, would have if Logan had had the comfort of drowning his problems with alcohol at his hand like Kendall did. Which isn't to say that Mama Knight was a bad parent or anything – because she really wasn't – but, you know, Kendall was a sneaky seventeen year old who had somehow found his way to all the strong alcohol in the apartment out of pure will.

Logan had been a bit too young to even think of alcohol as whatever temporary solution to his problems at the time – he had been in the third grade and was the school's main bullying target after moving from Texas with the same problem. Not really running, but trying to rid himself of his location based problem. But his Texan twang to his voice had done nothing to help in Small-Town, Minnesota, where all things unfamiliar and safe where ridiculed. At least at elementary school level.

Even the boys he now called his best friends had been some of his bullies. Although, that was all really just poorly expressed interest in the new boy, it didn't mean that the endless string of pranks and mocking comments – although with nothing but a friendly intent, because that was just how the friendship between the trio worked – had hurt Logan any less than the hateful comments of the rest of the student body had.

Really, if Logan was completely honest with himself on a particularly bad day, he would admit – at least within the confines of his own mind – that he was still a little bitter about his welcoming into the group of friends. And maybe, on one of those really bad days, he would seek out the Palm Woods' roof, where the air always seemed crisper and clearer at any time of the year, and rewind his life – rewind those horrendous years of his childhood and each and every single one of those off hand comments that had him silently crying himself to sleep for years. He would think of how every comment seemed to be true still. He was a loser, he was a failure, he couldn't do anything right. Not even keeping one girl interested for longer than a week – his on again, off again relationship with Camille a testament to just that.

He would sit there in the abyss of white noise of cars driving by in the crisp, cold air, occasionally with music seeping through his headphones, blasting songs he really shouldn't listen to in that state of mind, but couldn't really help because it felt so good to have someone else sing about every single one of his problems. He would just sit there thinking, maybe mutter a few lyrics softly under his breath, until his fingers and toes went numb from the cold, and he really needed to get his butt back inside the hotel he now called home.

Logan wasn't always the confident guy he pretended to be in front of the camera, in the spotlight. Deep down, he was still just the boy from Texas who had been bullied for years and years, and slowly sunken down into a depression and social isolation. And no matter how much he felt like he had healed, the scars were still there, somewhere deep within him, only to resurface from time to time and remind him just how miserable he had been. And, like so often said – what didn't kill him had made him stronger, but it had also made him so much weaker in other ways. More sensitive, perhaps.

That day – when he had let himself kiss Kendall back, after confessing his feelings for Logan, and finally made the move Kendall had desperately needed to – was one of those particularly bad days that had Logan finding himself at the rooftop, huddled up in a corner dirty from city dust, left with thoughts that were less than helpful.

What the hell had he been thinking, letting himself kiss Kendall back like that? Logan didn't like Kendall like that. He knew that.

Then… why had he kissed him?

More time must have passed than he realized, because all of a sudden, James exited the door leading to the roof top, his eyes looking like they were burning with anger – accentuated by a tightly clenched jaw, and fists clenched, knuckles turning white.

"What the hell, man?" James demanded, looking about ready to punch the living daylights out of Logan. Logan huffed in return, a sort of half-hearted attempt at a humor less laugh – because really, nothing about the situation was funny. Maybe Logan deserved whatever wrath James looked ready to bestow upon him? Yeah, Logan decided, he really did. He was the douchiest douchebag of them all. Running away after kissing someone who just barred their heart and soul to you was just sinking to a whole new low.

"What the heck was that for?" James demanded, taking a step closer to Logan in a far less-than-friendly way, not bothering to even attempt to hide his obvious anger. And Logan got it, he really did. He would want to punch himself too, if he was James. Hell, he wanted to punch himself as it was. Maybe bang his head against the concrete wall a few times, too.

Still, something inside Logan snapped.

"I didn't do anything," Logan hissed back, feeling a weird mixture of emotions welling up inside of him, ranging from anger to regret. "He _kissed_ me!" Logan shrieked, his voice somewhere between disgust and disbelief, as if he thought Kendall had committed some vast crime against nature, which James must have taken the wrong way.

"Yeah, and he told you how much he fucking adores you," James hissed, getting all up in Logan's personal space, as if that wasn't even a thing. "Could you just for one second stop being a narrow minded southern prick?" James spat, almost as if he was thinking out loud, rather than asking a legitimate question.

And before Logan could stop himself, his fist collided with James' _'perfect'_ jawline, leaving the beginning of a nasty bruise. He was half expecting a vain comment about damaging 'The Face' and an indignant gasp, but James must have been too lost in his own anger to worry about his face.

Then Logan started regretting his move, as James retaliated, his many hours spent in the gym showing off as a blinding pain rippling through Logan's body. Punches were thrown from both sides, some dodged and some colliding with skin, undoubtedly leaving nasty bruises, until they locked eyes for a split second, eyes burning with a nearly palpable anger.

"What the hell, dude?" James asked, slightly less accusing this time, and panting lightly from the fight and sheer anger still pulsing through his veins. "I just don't get it. Why would you do that to Kendall – kiss him back and then just run away?"

"I don't like him that way," Logan replied, not really caring about the fact that James already knew what had happened between him and Kendall.

"That's why you kissed him back," James said sarcastically.

"I didn't–" Logan started denying, but James cut him off with a '_cut the bullshit'_ glare. Logan's mouth opened and closed a couple of times, searching his brain for a reason, the reason, before he spoke. "I-I… it was just a reflex! My mind was so messed up from trying to process everything that I didn't think about it, my body just reacted."

"So you really don't like him?"

"No," Logan slowly agreed, "I really don't."

James stayed silent, his jaw clenching and unclenching and his eyes refusing to meet Logan's, and Logan suddenly flashed back to the beginning of it all, when they were standing in Minnesota after Kendall was offered the opportunity to go to L.A. with Gustavo, and Logan realized that was James' _I hate you right now_ face. A chill crept down Logan's spine – James hated him.

Well, he supposed it was with good reason.

"Then why couldn't you just say that? Say it right to his face and leave him a little less broken than he is right now," James said, his concern for Kendall seeping through his words.

As if Logan hadn't felt guilty enough before, he was now met with a gut-wrenching guilt so intense he felt like he might actually throw up.

"You didn't see him, dude," James said, breaking Logan out of his own miserable train of thought, "if he was broken before, he's completely wrecked now."

"I know, I know. I'm the douchiest douchebag on the face of the planet and deserve nothing less than to die miserable and alone," Logan said, and James was so taken aback by the sincerity in the other boy's voice, that he couldn't do anything other than blink in surprise. Then with a heavy sigh, Logan disappeared.

* * *

... over the edge of the roof.

**Nah, just kidding Logan's fine, if a little mentally shaken up. **

**And just so you guys know, that narrow minded southern prick comment does in no way reflect my actual beliefs. **

**And as I said last time, this is probably nearing its end. (but I don't really know where I'm going with it, shh!)**

**But yeah, as always, reviews are greatly appreachiated and a huge motivaation for me to keep going. I'm not saying I'm gonna quit without them, but ya know.. they're nice. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Again, I'm really sorry this took so long and I wish I had a half decent excuse for it, but honestly I've kind of just been slipping into the Teen Wolf fandom and the amazingness that is Sterek fics on ao3 (archiveofourown) and was just... a little fed up with this page in general. Now, ON WITH THE STORY! :)**

* * *

"Hey, uh, Kendall…" Logan said, trailing off, "can I talk to you for a sec?" Kendall, who had been sprawled out on the couch with a hockey magazine, looked up at his friend, forcing a smile onto his face and tossing the magazine aside.

"Yeah, sure," he said, his voice sounding crisp and dry and not at all as cheerful as his face suggested he was. "What's up?"

"About the other night…"

Kendall paled, his smile – no matter how fake it already was – quickly faded away. "Don't," Kendall muttered, "just don't."

"You don't even know what I was gonna say!"

"I don't need to. It's written all over your face, Logan," Kendall exclaimed, gesturing wildly at Logan's face. "I know you, and I know you feel like you need to tell me what's going on, but. Just. Don't. Please," Kendall said, his face falling a little and his tone becoming more gentle, "just for once, let it go. I really don't wanna hear your 'your're such a nice guy and a good friend, but I will never love you. It's not you, it's me' bullshit. So just please don't." And that, even Kendall had to admit, was a growl.

"Okay," Logan said, barely audible, his eyes looking at nothing in particular, and least of all Kendall. Nodding, this time a bit louder, more firm as he said, "okay." Logan let out a puff of air, somehow managing to make it sound frustrated, as if it was _his_ heart that had been broken, the love of _his_ life that had just denied him.

"Don't you fucking dare," Kendall muttered snapping around to look at his best friend, "don't you fucking dare make this about you. Because, newsflash! This is your fault! I didn't kiss you, you kissed me," Kendall spat, getting off of the couch to stand in front of Logan like a lawyer in front of a criminal at trial. Or a feral animal about to attack. Either one works. "You could have just gone on pretending to love me back like any freaking other guy! But noooo, you have to come here acting all fucking perfect and not want to hurt my feelings. But guess what, you just did!" Kendall swallowed once, his throat suddenly dry with the confession. It's not like he had called Logan perfect out loud yet. Kendall hadn't fully voiced the extent of his feelings to Logan's face. At least not without the cover of Adonis. Kendall moved towards the kitchen with an air of anger to his movements that utterly amazed Logan. Like, how does a guy walk away looking angry? And, of course, stumping up to their shared room like a petulant child, Kendall slammed the door behind him as if for emphasis. Which, Logan had to give him credit for, worked perfectly.

Logan groaned slinging his head back on the couch and rubbed his hands over his face. He was such a screw up. How had he even gotten himself into this mess?

Oh, right. By being 'fucking perfect'.

Clearly, Kendall was insane, or at the very least delusional. Probably had him mixed with someone else. Cause, Logan. Well, he was a lot of things, but perfect. Definitely not one of them.

"What are you groaning about?" someone, obviously judgmental, said from behind Logan, making him jump like he had somehow stumbled into a horror movie.

"Jesus, Katie," Logan said, clasping at the skin above his heart, "you almost gave me a heart attack."

Katie just looked at him with a smirk and a dismissive wave of her hand as if to say 'oh, please, you're too young for a heart attack'. Which, okay, kind of true, but so not the point.

"So?"

"So what?" Logan asked, looking confused.

"What's gotten your panties in a bunch?"

"Katie!" Logan exclaimed scandalized.

"What's the matter?" she asked innocently, but being betrayed by a small smirk creeping up her lips, spreading wider and wider. Like wild fire. Or a bad infection. "Don't want my biG BROTHER TO HEAR YOU LIKE WEARING PANTIES?" Katie asked, giving Logan a pointed look, complete with an accompanied trademarked Knight eyebrow rise, and arms folded across her chest.

"Whaa?" Logan spluttered, feeling his cheeks heat up. "What are you even talking about? I do no such thing!" he hissed.

"Huh. The five pairs of underwear in your drawer says something else," Katie says holding out her sleek phone for Logan to see. On it was a picture of what was definitely his underwear drawer, but in it were five pairs of panties that had definitely not been there that morning. "I mean, unless men's underwear has taken a turn I don't know about. Then again, last I checked Victoria Secret's didn't sell men's underwear, so."

"Katie?" Logan asked tentatively, as if he was handling a bomb about to explode, which concerning Katie on a mission, might be a step down in intensity. "What are you doing?"

"Good question," she said with a wiked smile, tilting her head to the side, just a little. "Now, I was thinking the press would have a field day with this. Not to mention the fans. But then I realized this doesn't really say much to anyone who doesn't know you, so…" she trailed off, her wicked grin growing wider than that of the Cheshire Cat, "I figured I'd just send it to all your friends instead."

Logan's eyes bulged out and his mouth fell open. Then he shook his head and blinked, cause she did not just…

"WHAT?!"

"You heard me," she said, her grin growing impossibly wider, and that. That had Logan bursting into action. Logan made grabby hands reaching for her phone, but before he could even get anywhere close to it, Katie had already pulled the phone out of his reach. "There. Sent." Swiftly, she pocketed her phone and leaned in close to Logan, "that's what you get for breaking my brother's heart," she murmured, patting his shoulder and skidding along with a completely innocent smile on her face, as if Logan had just made up the last five minutes.

Actually, he might have. Because, honestly. That would have made a hell of a lot more sense.

"What the hell just happened?" Logan asked himself out loud. Feeling his heart thudding wildly in his chest, but this time, it wasn't out of fear or anger, it was pure embarrassment.

Not wanting to be inside the apartment anymore, Logan ran out and down to the pool. But, as soon as he got there, everyone turned and laughed at him.

Okay. So, Katie had actually sent out the picture. Awesome.

It was like third grade all over again. Well, with the laughing and ridiculing. Not so much the reason. Logan had never bought, or worn, a single pair of panties in his life!

"Fucking Katie and her stupid fucking schemes," Logan muttered as he swiftly turned around and trudged through the lobby.

"Hey, hey, Logan," Bitters laughed, barley able to catch his breath, "is it true?" he asked, turning the display of his phone towards Logan, where, surely, the same picture Katie had on her phone was displayed. Logan flipped him off as he trudged onward in the direction of the elevator.

In a moment of despair, Logan didn't know where to go. The apartment was like a mine field with Kendall in it, and their room no less, leaving that out of the question. Anywhere else at the Palm woods would be the equivalent of walking into gun fire. Emotional gunfire, maybe, but no less painful.

Camille had been one of the people to laugh, so had Lucy, Jo and Guitar Dude, which ruled out all of his friends. Jett had been nowhere in sight, but it's not like he would have any sympathy for Logan either way. And no way in hell was Logan about to go to Jett with his problems.

"Why so serious?" none other than – surprise, surprise – Jett Stetson asked as the elevator doors opened on the second floor.

"Batman. Ha ha," Logan said, so far from amused as he could possibly get. Even at Batman references, which were his favorite.

"Ouch. Someone's in a bad mood," Jett remarked, "I thought annoying band members got paid to smile." And yeah, that was Jett Stetson for ya. All sneer and un-amusing jokes. "No, but seriously," Jett asked, and Logan had to double check that it was still Jett talking, cause that. Did not sound like him. At all. The usual cocky tone of his voice was completely gone, so was the sneer, and the usual spite. And, if Logan hadn't gone completely crazy – which honestly might be a possibility – Jett sounded almost… concerned. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG?!" Logan asked, getting all up in Jett's face, fury and fear and frustration and humiliation, all finally boiling over. "I'll tell you what's fucking wrong! Katie fucking Knight just planted a bunch of fucking _panties_ in my underwear drawer and sent a picture of it to all of my friends. I can't go anywhere at the Palm Woods without people laughing at me! Do you know what that's like?! Huh?"

Logan panted, his breath coming out in shallow puffs as Jett merely blinked at him. Several moments passed in complete silence. Logan, taking that as a loud and clear 'no' pushed past Jett and slid out the doors as soon as there was a big enough gap for him to get out of. "Didn't think so."

Jett was left blinking in shock for a few seconds, before he jerked in to motion and slid out of the elevator just before the doors closed. Following the sound of a heavy metal door, Jett made his way toward the door with the bold yellow sign reading STAFF ONLY, then walked in the semi darkness toward the other door, that – judging by the amount of light was just let in to the mechanical room – led to the roof top. Gently pushing the door open, he found Logan on the cold concrete floor with his head on his knees and his arms wrapped tightly around himself. Jett took a seat next to him and just sat there for a while, enjoying how much clearer te air seemed up there.

"I do," Jett said, eventually.

"What?" Logan asked softly, lifting his head to look at Jett with his brows furrowed in confusion.

"I do know what it's like to have everyone laugh at you," Jett clarified.

"Uhm… What?" Logan asked, none the wiser.

"In elementary school," Jett began then paused for a few moments, almost as if he found it difficult to find the right words. But… what? How could it possibly be _that _difficult to say something?

Jett sighed heavily and begun again. "In elementary school people used to bully me all the time. People made fun of me and my clothes, the way I looked, my books and my love for school. My glasses more than anything. It was… painful. To say the least," Jett confessed. "So," he continued on, either not noticing how Logan's jaw had almost fallen to the floor, or pointedly ignoring it, " when my dad had to move because of work, and we moved out to this, well, mansion, out here in California. Just, you know, further north. I decided to be more like the guys I was watching on TV. I figured that with a new place and no one knowing me, I could get a fresh start where people didn't laugh at me because I loved school and reading. I could be someone else. I could be the funny new guy with all the cool clothes and the girls. I just had to get a new wardrobe and act like I didn't care."

"But… but… huh?" Logan sputtered, "_You_ liked books? And school? And _reading_?"

"How do you think I became such a good actor, huh? There's a lot of reading with being an actor, you know," Jett said softly, like Logan hadn't just pretty much insulted him. "My point is, Logan, that if you act like you don't care, act like it doesn't affect you, or just play it off with confidence, they won't attack you for it anymore. No one really bothers."

"Woah," Logan muttered stunned. "so, basically, all of the attacks on Kendall were actually out of insecurity?"

"No, his face really just is odd," Jett protested. To which Logan responded with his head cocked to the side in a look of disbelief. "Okay, yeah. It's just. He was so close to Jo and I got jealous cause I really liked her too. But with someone like Kendall in the picture, I couldn't stand a chance. The guy is like a freaking saint!"

"Yeah. He is pretty awesome, isn't he?" Logan asked, a soft smile on his lips.

"Speaking of," Jett said, turning into more of his usual self, "I hear Katie's actions weren't completely uncalled for."

"Really? Really, dude?" Logan asked with disbelief.

"What? I'm just saying, if someone hurt my baby brother I would have done all I could to destroy them, too," Jett said innocently.

"Okay, first of all, since when do you have a baby brother-"

"Since he was born?" Jett asked as if it was a stupid question.

"Second, Katie is the younger one, in case you forgot."

"In age, yes. But I'm pretty sure Katie is more mature mentally than Kendall is. No offence to him. But that girl is wicked smart and cunning and freakishly mature. Most of the time."

"Dude, I know. I live with the girl."

They sat there in silence for a while, just soaking up and processing everything that just happened.

"I just can't get over how much alike we are," Logan said, finally.

"Except I'm not gay," Jett pointed out, and yeah. He was serious.

"I'm not gay either," Logan protested.

"Bi then."

"What?"

"Bisexual. You know, into both guys and girls."

"I know what it is, you moron. I'm not bi either, I'm straight."

"I've seen the way you look at Kendall. You might not realize it, but you like the guy. As more than just a friend."

"I really don't," Logan protested. But, as much as he might refuse to admit it, Logan wondered if Jett might be right. Seriously, what other reason is there for kissing someone? It's not like Logan would get anything out of it, like he was playing with Kendall's feelings. Cause honestly, that was the last thing Logan wanted to do. "Maybe I should go talk to Kendall."

"You do that," Jett said with a genuine smile, unlike anything Logan had ever seen on the guy, and had to admit it was a lot more flattering than either of his – apparently – forced ones. It almost made him look… attractive. Or maybe that was just the whole thing about Jett actually having a personality?

"See ya around, dude," Logan said with a similar smile in return. Who knew Jett would be the one he turned to when everyone else had turned his back on him. Sort of. That was a surprising turn of fate. Or events, whatever. Fate sounded a bit too romantic for Logan's taste.

"See ya."

* * *

"Kendall?" Logan asked softly a few hours later – he had spent a couple of hours walking around the city, thinking of what Jett had said, before reaching a conclusion – actually knocking on the door of his own bedroom for the first time since they moved in. "I'm sorry dude. About everything."

"Me too. Katie was way out of line, she really shouldn't have done that," Kendall said, putting away the guitar he had been strumming.

"No, she should have. I deserved it. I really hurt you and I was being a dick and I so don't deserve you, cause I'm not nearly as perfect as you make me out to be. But Jett had a point–"

"Jett?"

"Long story," Logan said dismissively, an _I'll tell you about it later_ hanging almost tangible in the air. "Jett had a point when he said, more or less, that I wouldn't have kissed you if I wasn't… gay for you? Isn't that what the Rushers keep on saying about us?" Logan asked, making Kendall laugh softly.

"But like I said, Kendall, I'm really not perfect, and I really don't deserve you. But, if you can forgive me for being a total dick about all of this, I'd like to try it again."

A few nerve wrecking moments of a tension filled silence passed before Kendall spoke, "why did you even act like that?"

"I honestly don't really know, but. I think. Maybe, that a part of me realized how badly I actually wanted to kiss you, wanted to be your Adonis – still do, technically – but the majority was too far in denial. Which I know isn't an excuse, but it's true."

Kendall beamed at Logan and pulled him down on the bed more or less on top of him. "Just shut up and kiss me." Because apparently, their lives had turned into a rom-com where he got the guy in the end and everything turned out alright. And Kendall got to taste that breathtakingly beautiful smile Logan had. Possibly also undress him and have Logan undress him in return. But that was for Kendall to know, and the rest of the world to ponder. Especially the Rushers.

* * *

**THE END**

**Sorry folks, that's it for this story. (kind of lame ending, I know).**


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